Just for Laughs

Question: How many (of your breed) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

            Pitbull - Make me!
                Chinese Crested - I can't reach the stupid lamp!
                Afghan - What's a lightbulb?!
                Borzoi - Get my slave to do it!
                Greyhound - How fast do you want it?!
                Cocker Spaniel - No need to change it...I can be just as loving in the dark!
                Labrador Retriever - Light bulb?  That thing I just ate was a **light bulb**?!
                Springer Spaniel - Me! Me! Please, please let me change it.  Can I? Can I?!
                Malamute - Let him do it...you can pat me while he's changing it!
                Collie - If it's dark in here, perhaps you won't see me sleeping on the couch!
                German Shepherd - Zero!  German Shepherds aren't afraid of the dark!
                Ridgeback - I didn't mean to knock over the lamp....it was in my way!
                Border Collie - I can do it myself....and while I'm at it, I might rewire the house!
                Golden Retriever - It's a beautiful day....why worry about a light! Let's go walking!
               Vizsla - ?!?!?!?!?
                Bullmastiff - I'll do it if and when I feel like it!!

                         Author Unknown
Where Bullmastiffs Are Better Than Men

Bullmastiffs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
They miss you when you are gone.
They feel guilt when they have done something wrong.
Bullmastiffs don't criticize your friends.
They admit when they are jealous.
They are very direct about wanting to go out.
Bullmastiffs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
You can train a Bullmastiff (well, to an extent).
They understand what no means.
The worst social disease you can get from a Bullmastiff is fleas.
(OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there is a vaccine for it.)
really mean it when they kiss you.

Where Men Are Better Than Bullmastiffs

Men only have two feet that track in mud.
They don't have to play with every man they see when you take them for a walk.
Men can buy you presents.
Bullmastiffs have bad breath all of the time.
Men are a little more subtle.
Men don't molt as much, and if they do, they hide it.

Where Men and Bullmastiffs Are the Same

Both are threatened by their own kind.
Both mark their territory.
Neither does any dishes.
Both like dominance games.
Both are bad at asking you questions.
Neither tells you what's bothering them.
Both are suspicious of the mailman.
Both have irrational fears about vacuuming.
Neither understand what you see in cats.
The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.


Where Bullmastiffs Are Better Than Women

Bullmastiffs don't mind if you haven't shaved today.
They don't worry about how much of your stomach hangs over your belt.
They don't care if you leave your stuff lying around.
Bullmastiffs don't want to take you shopping.
They don't fill your glovebox and console with 'stuff'.
They aren't worried about the length of that girl's skirt.
Bullmastiff's don't say "YOU DID WHAT!!".
When they lick you in the ear, it has no ulterior motive.
They don't care if they don't get flowers.
Bullmastiffs don't invite their mothers over to stay.
They don't have a driving ambition to change you.
They bite the Avon lady.
Bullmastiffs don't have 'bad hair days'.
Even if they do...it's not the end of the world.
They don't care how much you earn.
Bullmastiffs don't turn into their mothers after twenty years.
They don't mind what you scratch in public.
There's longer times between bouts of PMS with a Bullmastiff.

Where Women Are Better Than Bullmastiffs

Women rarely pee on your car wheels.
They can cook (and do the washing and ironing).
They don't dig holes in your new lawn.
Women don't normally drag their butt along the ground when you are talking to your friends.
They generally smell better.
They rarely ride your leg in public.
Women don't chew on your shoes.
They are allowed in most restaurants.
They can let themselves out when they need to pee at 2am.

Where Women and Bullmastiffs Are the Same

Neither open the bonnet and check anything from one year to the next.
Both hand you the wrong spanner.
Both do silent little farts, then look at you.
Neither understands cash flow.
Both leave their scent wherever they go.
Both sniff you for any strange scents.
Neither will wash or polish the car.
Both shed their hair all over the house.
Both try and look cute till you take them home permanently.....

Author Unknown
The Age-Old Question (with a new twist)
10 Dog peeves about  humans

1. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not  funny at all !!!

2. Yelling at me for barking.. I'M A  FLAMIN' DOG, YOU IDIOT!

3. Taking me for a walk, then  not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this  anyway?!!!!!

4. Any trick that involves balancing food on my  nose... stop it!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or  ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not  home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw. You  fooled a dog!  
Whoooo Hoooooooo what a proud moment for the top of the  food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",  then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go  back!

8. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing  yet.

9. Dog sweaters.  Hello ???  Haven't you noticed the fur?

10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself. Look,  we both know the
truth, you're just  jealous.

Now lay off me on some of these things, We  both know who's boss here
(you don't see me picking up your poop do you ) ???